The Lighthouse

The gods of the lighthouse are cruel idiots.

Rakshi says that I am to stay here for eternity.

Oranem says I’m to never age.

Dalia says nobody is to visit me.

They never argue. They are one and they are everything. It’s very simple. It’s alleviating. There’s no

heaven or hell. When I die, I’m back in the lighthouse.

That’s all I know. When I go outside the lighthouse I remember new things and forget the old.

I had a wife last time. She was beautiful, even as she was fed into the crematory. I didn’t deserve her.

I was crying. I forgot why.

I have been Martin Luther King Jr., standing before a crowd. I have been Mussolini, watching a country

bend around my voice.

I have been Thomas Jefferson, writing about freedom.

I have been the man he owned, reading those words by candlelight.

I have been a leader that ruled empires that stretched beyond the sun.

Each time, it feels real. Each time, I think it is the only life I have ever lived.

And then I come back here.

I am everyone.

I am no one.

I am whatever they need me to be next.

“I didn’t deserve her,” I say.

“You are not meant to keep them,” Oranem says. He is always cold.

“I know.”

I sink into the dark green couch. Another gift from another life. Everything resets. Everything repeats.

Everything is the same. I kill myself over and over. Directly and indirectly. If I could... if I could just

stop. If I could just implement that golden rule I was teaching to my students seventeen dreams ago.

It’s all my fault.

It’s all because of that first dream. No, that one wasn’t a dream. I could make my own choices then.

Leonidas.

That was my name.

No. That is my name.

“Leonidas.” The syllables sounded foreign. I didn’t live through that many Greek dreams. I only got

choices in that life. Therefore, that is my true name.

Leonidas.

I got a job at the lighthouse for my ailing mother. The Lighthouse of Alexandria.

I prayed to whoever would listen to let me live. They let me live. Over and over again. How many more

dreams would I have to live through before they let me go? One-hundred billion?

I looked at the timer that Dalia put in the lighthouse. She’s punctual like that.

0:28

I think of her again. My mother.

I love her.

0:09

“We like it when you stare.” Rakshi chuckles.

The lighthouse shudders. That’s new. I think.

The time slowly ticks down.

0:00

—

I awake on a white table.

“Welcome back, Mr. President. You are now officially the smartest man in the world. "

I slowly open my eyes. “Dalia. You are truly Satan incarnate.”

She smiles.

Oranem states from the back, “This iteration is stable.”

I ask, desperately, “Does that mean I’m done?”

She shakes her head and slowly puts the machine of death over me. “No. But, you’re close to being

useful. Bye for now, Leonidas.”